Sometimes conversations with my mother ends with me in tears. I wonder why she never gathers full information before she starts lecturing me about things she thinks she understands. I'll just copy and paste our conversation which initiated this emo entry cos' I know how dramatic I can be at times and I want to come back to it one day when I'm not so biased and decide if how I felt today was deserving or not.
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sam/sammers/sammie wammie says: ya next week hols alr
connie says: so wat u gonna do hope u will catch up with yr studies i reli worry abt the way u study doing things all at the last min
sam/sammers/sammie wammie says: im gonna be doing all my assignments dont worry bout me lah i get things done
connie says: u hv to get things done n done to yr best ability if u do this way is it the best work u can produce or jus mediocre if u work better will u get better results? or like last yr like dat panicking u didnt do well n going to fail is it dat kind of result u want again? u reli hv to tink about discipline n be responsible for yrself
sam/sammers/sammie wammie says: i know n ive been trying it will just take longer than this amt of time to change a lifetime of habit
connie says: if u keep tinking u cant change den u wont change lor u must tink positive yr jie also worry abt u n yr bad habit only u dont seem to know
sam/sammers/sammie wammie says: i know everyone is concerned im not so clueless as everyone thinks i am but like i said im trying n it's getting better but it will take some time
connie says: i wish u would try harder den tell yrself u can relax n enjoy after yr exam/assign n during the hols not wen exam or assign is due
sam/sammers/sammie wammie says: i m not relaxed i hv to say i may seem relaxed but im not i havent even been sleeping well lately i dnt know how much more stress i can take at this time
connie says: den y u put yrself in such a position
sam/sammers/sammie wammie says: i am stressin about things that are due a month ini advance i have been stressing about them since semester started i have been doing things for it
connie says: instead of stressing do smth constructive
sam/sammers/sammie wammie says: i have been stayin back later than necessary to meet group ppl and to discuss things with ppl
connie says: go excercise as it will help to destress u
sam/sammers/sammie wammie says: when i come home i just want to relax and so sara nvr sees me stressed the way i relax is to watch tv and surf the internet i find it very comforting
connie says: if u had done yr work bit by bit fr one mth ago u wont be so stressed isnt it
sam/sammers/sammie wammie says: my work cannot be completed so easily, ma it's the kind where u hv to build on it n there have been so many complications with admin that everyone is in a tailspin
connie says: yalor start building fr the start lor
sam/sammers/sammie wammie says: and i have been doing as much as i can with wat i've been given i admit that i might have slacked a little but i have tried to make up for it
connie says: dont wait till last wk to start compiling yr infor lor ya so u stress lor in the end trying to catch up with yr work dat is y i m saying u must work in a better way n not put yrself in such a stressful situation ever again u hv to work smart which means no slacking
sam/sammers/sammie wammie says: ok
connie says: u shld not also accept invitations to dinners or watever wen u know u hv alot of work coming up; u dont hv to please others; u hv to know yr priority ok den i hope by the end of yr u will not do the same again now dat yr mid sem hols is here u can relax n enjoy but still try n do some work y hv 2 more yrs sou better hv a better systems
sam/sammers/sammie wammie says: ya ok
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After awhile I realized I had tears in the corners of my eyes cos' I felt like she didn't understand what was going on in my life and yet she is so critical of how I live my life without even trying to take in what I was telling her.
Okay, will end now. Just like to stress that I love my mummy very very much but sometimes I feel very hurt that she doesn't take the time to try to understand my situation and instead just comes to her own conclusions then lectures me without taking into account what I try to explain to her.
Sometimes it's just impossible for her to see things my way. Things to her are just in black and white. I'm just her lazy slob of a daughter who doesn't try hard enough. What she doesn't see or isn't reported to her through one channel or another just means that it never happened. All those nights I jolted awake cos' I had a nightmare about uni work but never told her just don't count for anything.
Enough. I will just continue as I did before. This shall roll off my back like water off a duck's.
Lovies to all. Especially my family who I honestly love and miss very much.
Having a practical exam tomorrow which I don't feel particularly ready for. Sis is out with the Doz and Cla-ra but should be back soon. Til then I'm enveloped in suburban (?) silence facing various pictures on how to measure a person's range of motion of different joints.
Lately I've been noticing that it's been getting harder to concentrate and to hold onto something in my memory. I'm starting to feel like things don't really make sense anymore. It feels like everything is just a gigantic blur and I'm just too slow to catch up.
Sometimes I blink and find myself in a situation that I don't remember getting myself into. It's like I'm constantly on autopilot and random events would just jump out for me to live through then everything just speeds up again. Like that Adam Sandler movie, "Click".
Sigh sometimes I just feel like reminding myself to stop being such a drama queen.
Listening to my songs on iTunes on shuffle and trying to concentrate on writing up my behavioural analysis and relaxation technique experience. Um, yeah, it doesn't make much sense to me either. Hmm.
But anyway they're due this Friday and I should really get started cos' I have a practical exam on Wednesday as well. Gah-ness!! Somehow I'm really not bothered by the practical exam as of yet... It'll kick in on Wednesday morning, I'm sure.
Basically life has been a big blur of blah. My eyes have been opened to certain characteristics of people that I'm beginning to not like very much. But I'm trying to get over it and not let these kind of things get to me.
So things have progressed into a rut and I'm starting to feel a little angsty. What else is new, haha.
Starting to feel the pangs of loneliness despite Sara's constant presence. I just really need someone I can connect with fully. I really miss my random late night discussions with Rakel on the balcony with hot chocolate/energy drink/whatever she had that night and going on and on about boys, life, feelings and everything in between.
I feel awful for letting sleep get in the way of everything. Like this morning for example, I missed a prac just cos' I couldn't get out of bed. And I just got up from a nap! Sigh, I feel like it's controlling my life. I wanted to be healthy and avoid taking huge caffeine intakes but I can see that it's not going to be an option anymore. Uni work is more important.
Just had instant Hongkee-style macaroni for lunch and going karaoke with sis, couz, Clara and Bani later! Super sleepy though. And did nothing productive except sending Pika for service. Sighs. Quick nap, please?!
Stalking Gerard Way's wife on Twitter and staring at my measuring tape, willing it to get up and measure the toilet for my assignment due tomorrow. Also, watching Good News Week and my sister folding clothes.
Making life a little bit more difficult now. By ignoring the fact that the night is slowly turning into morning and my assignment pages remain blank.
BTW Gerard Way has a ickle baby girl named Bandit Lee Way who was born May this year. Holy shit. My hopes are dashed. =( Also, if anyone sees anything on Umbrella Academy, pleaseandthankyou.
You know, sometimes I think I got it right the first time. Sometimes I look around, listen closely, take it all in, and think, "I'm not ready for this."
My mother once described to me the discomfort she endured during her 12 hour labour with me. I remember telling my mother that I must have refused to leave the safety of her womb to enter this harsh, dark world.
Now I think that baby me knew how hard it would be and that I wouldn't be able to cope. So, in the end, I was right the first time.
