life as a sammers

It's like this.

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 10:15:17 GMT

There're ups and downs in life. One day you're up, the next you're lying in a puddle of your tears on the ground.

Life gives you no warning, really. The same situation could result in different experiences. Maybe you're a fighter, and everything that seeps up and tries to pull you under finds itself meeting an unwavering wall of strength. Or maybe you're easily affected by all the little things in life and each separate occurance brings back waves of previous hurt and pain so that you end up in a mess on the cold hard floor.

Sometimes I think I'm soaring high and nothing could ever bring me down. Then the tiniest of things could remind me of things long past and I find myself crouched on all fours on the bathroom floor sobbing my heart out.

I like to think I'm stronger than this. I like to believe that everyone will pull through if they allow themselves to heal. But how can you heal something that doesn't seem to be broken? How do you start to help yourself when you don't know what's causing the pain?

I should be happy. There's no reason to be feeling this way. My heart has healed from everything it's been put through. And yet. Here I am, listening to songs that break it with each note.

Yet, am loving the people more than ever. <3

Hmm.

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 14:22:37 GMT

Loving the picnics under the sun. Although it's yet to be seen if I've turned 3 shades darker or not. But still. I heard somewhere that the sun is a natural Prozac. So maybe that explains the happy glowy feeling I felt before the tipsy tiredness set in today.

Grr, brain is doing some weird flop-flop-floppity thing and I can't think straight. But wow, the game Stealing Spoon is super fun. It's like Heartattack, but with spoons. And clothespins. Whatever you call it.

And... I cooked eggplant! Or... I now know how, at least. Haha! Also... I want to learn how to dance.

Okay, I should stop rambling now. Bren and Cheri are supposed to come over soon. Movie and/or studying I thinks. I'm already in my PJs haha.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I can't help but smile a little at how my back arches just a tiny bit instead of my shoulders hunching in. I remember how I used to hate the sight of myself in any reflection. It was only last year that I would avoid looking through shop windows in case I saw myself looking back.

No, I don't think my appearance has changed much. It's just that I feel surrounded by enough people who care that I don't hate the hollowed out shell I used to catch sight of in the mirror. I know that I have people who have seen the real, stripped down, scrubbed clean me . . . and still hold me in their hearts.

So yes, I'm contented now. The occassional bumps I'm hitting along the way don't bother me as much anymore. The new friends I'm making are helping me feel better instead of more incompetent. My empty apartment which used to feel so cold and lonely now feels like home and like a safe haven.

It's true, sometimes it gets a little lonely and I begin to wonder how long this contentment can last. But I just remind myself that I shouldn't think so far ahead and just go with what's given to me right now. Sure, things might not go my way sometimes but then again, noone's life is perfect. I accept that. And I embrace that. And I'm actually quite loving it.

Like that lah,

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 14:01:39 GMT

Little bit of this, little bit of that...
Wham bam, on your back flat.

Lalala, brain is curdling as I watch The Village. I feels brave. Although I already know that it's not a creepy ghost movie since Sara told me the plot a long time ago.

So . . . last night was . . . blurry.

I remember taking some Jager and some whiskey and then there was the tequila and Smirnoff (?) and the tasting of Kahlua with milk. Then came the queasiness and the heavy head and the Truth or Dare game. Honestly, I don't really remember much. But what I do remember, I'm hiding away under lock and key haha.

Ah, the warm fuzziness has returned.

And Bren, we're going out til late next time. =)

New age.

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 17:22:03 GMT

Happy Birt-day, Rakel! =)

Wahaha, 2:30am now with a 6:30am wake up call.

I'm so screwed.

A little emotional.

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 10:09:33 GMT

I detest getting lectured by you. You do not understand how it is to be alone here, in a place so far away and so alienated from the people I love. You do not know how often I have walked around this unit and been reminded of what I have left behind. You do not know how many times I have fallen to sleep in tears as my heart aches for everyone and everything back home.

It is so easy for you to judge when you don't know the whole story. Nothing is ever black and white. Yet you don't bother looking at the grey parts before handing out your verdict.

I know you are trying to put some sense of responsibility on my shoulders but the way you do so really hurts my feelings. You make it sound as though I do not care about the sacrifices you make for me when that is all I think about when I lie in bed at night.

I just wish you would let me explain before you start trying to improve me.

I love you, but sometimes I'm almost glad about the distance between us.

Upset.

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 11:57:53 GMT

I got an email from my brother today.

All that was in it was a link to download an attachment.

What was in it...

It made me cry.

My baby just two days ago.

. . . Gawd I miss them so much.

~ Hold on for me...

A feeling within.

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 13:55:22 GMT

Click.

And feel the sadness that's coursing within.

Just for fun.

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 12:34:28 GMT

So, kind of bored. Everyone's busy with important stuff and my life is just a little bit less interesting than everyone else's. So shall spout some randomness as I sit here and not study.

Am reading How To Talk To Anyone - 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (thanks Bren).

Have a simulated client to interview tomorrow in class and am very nervous.

Just looked through bank account and realised I don't have enough money to sustain me through the next 2 months.

My sink currently holds 2 cups, 1 teaspoon and 1 fork.

National Geographic is playing on TV outside whilst I type this entry from inside my room.

Am slightly less bitchy to Gelena lately. Thank God.

I just learned what "bbs" stands for - be back soon.

Has been crazily cold the past few days yet am reluctant to wear winter coat tomorrow.

Need motivation to study urgently. Really.

I suppose I should try to study. Since I have so much to catch up on. But just thinking about it is making me sleepy. Which is not suprising I suppose. =.=

Alright! I shall post some random pictures. Most of my baby niece and nephew. Sigh, so cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute. Wanna hug them and throw them in the air!!!

. . .

Maybe not. But anyway, judge for yourself.

Girls first yeah? Presenting Miss Caitlynn. Adorable yet grumpy and extremely extremely spoilt!

On a rare happy day.

With her daddy on her first birthday! She wanted cake!

Cutest picture EVER.

Random picture to allow you to soak in the cuteness.

Pretty magnet clip thingy!

And now, time for Mr Wayne's turn to shine. Eager to please, loves to sing and hates being ignored. Sooooooooooooo expressive! Baby wrinkles!!!

Wayne: See! See! See!
*grabs my camera*
Wayne's daddy: Who's that?
Wayne: Waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyne...

Pouty faced cos' I wanted to take his picture and not let him play with my camera.

Right after crying for 15 minutes. =.=

Couldn't get a nice shot of him cos' he's kind of hyperactive. But he's sooooooo cute. And white. And TALL.

Random picture.

Have you ever seen a polar bear chillin'? LOL

Shall share some pictures from my night of soberity (?).

The drunken posse dancing the night away.

Loving this picture, Cheri. =)

And um, one last picture. Of, well, me. Haha. With my new Jason Mraz-esque hat from Chia. Thanks a gazillion!!!

Playing with Colour Accent.

Oh-kays! That's about it from me. Visit Bren, Cheri, Rakel, Cindy, Caryn, Xiuqi, Nicholas, Ringo or Wendy if you like reading awesome blogs. Or be a blog stalker like me. =S

Ta!

Surprise.

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 05:57:59 GMT

BTW do people know that Najib got sworn in as PM yesterday? Like, totally out of the blue, my cousin told me. And my only reaction was WTF?

Malaysia is going to crumble around itself.

Sleepyhead.

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 05:29:09 GMT

The weather was made for sleeping. And yet, managed to drag self out of bed at 8:15 this morning. Granted, was meant to meet Bren and Cherish at 8:30 but whatever lah. Accomplishment for a Saturday, okay!

Met up with poor Bren who was the only one there on time, Cherish having just gotten up when I arrived there at 9:20am. And so the studying commenced!!

Omg man, so difficult to read that stupid interviewing book! So dry and so boring and so repetitive. I'd honestly rather study what Bren was studying - cell biology or something of that sort.

After Cherish came, we tried to study more but it was getting really difficult to concentrate (for me lah) so we left to a secondhand bookstore. Holy crap, it looked small but sooooooo big inside! And I was so tempted to get some classics. But thought should finish up my Mansfield Park first.

Then to Bren's for lunch! Thanks so much for cooking! Shall buy you dinner soon. With what's left in my account. T.T

Dammit I really should start taking more pictures. =.=